Growing up, I was always the super skinny kid. I got made fun of for having knobbly knees, chicken legs, no boobs, the list goes on and on, really. I was that girl at whom people would yell, "Eat a sandwich!". Clothes never fit me right and I just always kind of looked awkward. It's funny how in retrospect, this should have been seen as a good thing, but I think the awkwardness and lack of boobs really screwed me in the end.
When I went away to college in 2004, I was 5'10" and weighed about 135 pounds. Finally, my absurdly tall and skinny body was all of a sudden cool! Boys liked me and girls hated me. But, I always had that weird thing in me saying I was too skinny. At that point, I had a lot of free time and really enjoyed working out. Often, I would hit the gym twice a day just because I had nothing better to do and a girlfriend wanted to go (and because there were cute boys at the gym who were actually interested in my spandex clad, bony ass). At some point during my first semester, I met a guy friend who was really into fitness and bulking up with as much muscle as you could naturally. He encouraged me to try protein shakes and other healthy ways to put on weight. So I kept working out and started drinking these shakes and eating protein bars. Of course, I still wasn't gaining weight and eventually gave up on the process. I ate a ton of garbage (pizza, bread, cheese, anything bad you can think of, really) and still ended up losing 5 pounds by the end of my freshman year.
The next couple of years were more of the same until my Junior year when I finally hit 140...and blew out the ass of my size 4 jeans. I was devastated. Who knew all those years of wanting to be bigger would finally happen with one loud rip. I got some size 6 jeans, that were still a little baggy, and went along my merry way. At this point, I was still eating a lot of garbage, eating a lot more in general, working out a lot less, and slowly getting bigger.
I had always had a "scary weight". That number I never wanted to see on the scale. For the longest time it was 150. Until I hit 150. 5'10" 150 is still a pretty thin size, but I kind of freaked out. I tried diet pills, I tried weird "As Seen on TV" work out equipment and could not get back down to my beloved 140. Finally, I went home for a weekend from school and expressed my concerns to my mom. She generously offered to pay for a membership to Weight Watchers, if that's what I wanted to do. I jumped at the chance and signed up as soon as I got back. At this point, I was about 156.
If you've never been to a Weight Watchers meeting, it's basically an empty classroom with a bunch of women motivating each other to eat healthy, make good choices, and feel good about themselves! It is honestly a great environment...unless you're a 21 year old, 5'10" 156 pound college student amongst a sea of middle-aged, actually overweight women. When I wrote my goal of 140 pounds on my little card at the sign-in table, the woman gave me a look and told me I might not be allowed to go that low. Honestly, it was a really, really weird experience for me. I ended up losing about 10 pounds and then stopped going because I hated the weird looks I got and finally felt ok about myself again.
Of course, as I graduated college, and got a little older, weight started creeping on, veeerrrryyyyy slowly at first. A pound here or there. I'd always been able to drop weight super fast and so I never really worried about it. There was always next week to start working out again. Before I knew it, the Weight Watchers weight found it's way back on my ass and I was back to about 155. I went between about 150-155 for a couple of years just always telling myself next week was the week I'd get back on the wagon and get it all off. Still eating a ton of pizza, drinking a glass or two of wine a night, eating irresponsibly at happy hours, I started gaining so slowly it didn't even really hit me until I finally hit my new "scary weight", 160. Of course, I was dating a wonderful man who loved a big ol' booty and to him it was no big deal. I think that perpetuated my acceptance of the weight gain and just never really thought anything of it. If he still thinks I'm hot, what difference does it make?
As the months passed, and the tortilla chips and pizza and cheese passed my lips, I kept telling myself it was time to get serious. This week is the week I will be better. This week is the week I will ride that spinning bike I HAD to buy. This week is the week I will prepare my lunches and plan ahead for dinners. None of those weeks every lasted and I kept up my terrible habits.
In about 8 years, from college to desk job, I had put on about 40 pounds. It all came very slowly and, because of my height, luckily only added 2 dress sizes. But I felt terrible.
Correction, I feel terrible. Those 40 extra pounds are on my ass right now. And my belly. And my arms. And my face. And my thighs. And everywhere else that makes my clothes too tight, makes it hard to run up stairs, makes me look WAY bigger in photos than I ever thought imaginable. I'm always tired, have no energy, and am always hungry. My skin is terrible and I have a pretty good feeling it's because I've put so much horrible food in my body.
I recognize that my struggle is not nearly as difficult as many other people's and I realize that a lot of people still see me as a normal weight and probably think, "Oh that poor skinny girl, suffered being skinny and now suffers being a normal weight". And that's fine. I get it. But feeling big and not feeling good about myself are the same struggles a lot of those people also face. I might not have as far to go as some people, but it will be just as difficult.
I am ready, really ready, to make a change. I'm ready to not feel fat. I'm ready to have a fit body again. I'm ready to make changes to my diet and be responsible for the things I eat. I'm ready to get up and move.
It's not going to be easy. I did gain this much weight by being motivated and making good choices and having good habits. I have terrible habits and my body is used to eating terrible things. But I'm ready.
Today is January 2, 2013. This morning I weighed 169.4 pounds, down 3 whole pounds from the weekend just by not eating like I did over Christmas break. At my all time heaviest, I weighed 172.8. My goal weight is 145 pounds, but I will be very happy with myself if I can make it to 150 (and back into my size 6 pants without them looking entirely too tight).
It's go time.
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